The Indomitable Ma'am

I was compelled this week to put my feet up for a couple of days. Hence I succumbed to the pre-occupation of the house-bound- Television.

Pre-dominating coverage today were three things- a. The Suffolk murders; b. The glorious 3rd Test at the Ashes and c. Willie passing out of Sandhurst.

My interest is in c. above. Our future Sovereign was fulfilling his rites of passage (lets forget for one minute that HRH lost his Rifle, an unforgiveable -and in fact a Guardroom offence, anyway like the authorities at Sandhurst, I shall sweep that under the plush red carpet).

The coverage of the passing out parade was the usual toadying monologue, which often accompanies these occasions, with the unnamed commentator sounding like a hybrid mutant version of James Whittaker and Alastair Burnett rolled into one sycophantic verbal nightmare.

The expressions on the faces of the new Officers was a study in Military pride, an exhibition of Testo-Xenophobic pride, yes! (Qualification- the most outstanding Graduand was female, which was bloody brilliant). Stern faced young men, stiff backs, marching in formation. HRH marching with his Heckler and Koch set at the right angle (it dawns on me by way of an aside that this rifle is certainly of more use in a parade than in actual combat as has been seen far too many times by the long-suffering British soldiers in Iraq, Afghanistan and even Sierra Leone)

Equally of note being the Senior officers on the podium, the pride of the British Army in all their ceremonial finery (laughed my head off when I noticed the Sandhurst Commandant whispering a smiley-faced comment to HM, which she staunchly ignored), well was I impressed? Ehm.. yes, but not by the obvious afore-mentioned characters but by the hunched, unlikely figure of HM Queen.

Ma'am maintained an Imperious, stern and determined expression ( strangely akin to a feminine Churchilian mien), which belied the following:

a. The pain she was enduring by standing on that podium with her back injury, at the age of 80 (not quite sure how many of the young officers can beat that);

b. The sheer discipline and restraint that has characterised her reign;

c. Her steely determination and devotion to the tradition she represents.

I'm sorry, but she impressed me most at that passing out parade. Ma'am is for the purpose of this Blog, my heroine of the day. I bow to my Sovereign. I fear I have fallen into the same Royal Hero worship that many seem to fall into thus subsuming all sense of reason. Read again, my reasoning is purely practical. Her personal fortitude and strength of character cannot be diminished by any Republican arguments, that is my view which I stand by.

Oi Bess, now about that Knighthood...

Northern Aphorisms

The delectable designer sent me an email with a list of modern soundbites, equally sent by the mate from up Nooth, which y'all might find as hilarous as I did. Bloody wonderful enjoy:

TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

.SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.

404. Someone who's clueless. >From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

GOING FOR A McSH-T. Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McSh-t with Lies.

AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.

BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home
after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where \nyou live, how \nyou got here, and where you\'ve come from.

GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH. A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you
go:"Oo!Oo!Oo! \nAa!Aa!Aa!". \

MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks

England v Australia: The Muppets Show- Live!

I'm really not in the mood for this, but the ludicrous spectacle of Englands collapse in the 2nd Test of the Ashes, is too serious not to be amusing. What is it about England and the aftermath of a major sporting victory (Rugby World Cup, Ashes), the almost total collapse of any form of forward planning and consolidation, brings tears to the eyes, not just in the losses but the manner in which England's players almost revel in their mediocrity and even when they seem to play beyond their own meagre expectations, suddenly recoil in shock at their bewildering pretensions at competence and blissfully lapse into soothing ineptitude.

Snatching defeat from the Jaws of Victory does not quite capture the full picture, goodness me no! But the enduring image shall be the confusion at the Wicket between Bell and Collingwood and the myriad dropped catches.

Now, lets take something positive from all this, if you were an Australian or lets be neutral a Japanese Cricket Fan, admit it, you'd have laughed your conkers off, it was hilarious. Lets take the characters in turn,

Duncan Fletcher- With his deadpan droopy expression, bringing back reminiscences of Sam the American Eagle- puppet in the Muppet Show, I guess we can describe England's performance at the Ashes as the Muppets Show Live (...whatever dude, I found it funny). His selection would make Ricky Tomlinson's character in "Mike Bassett- England Manager" look like Alf Ramsay by comparison. No-one will understand why Monty Parnesar is on the sidelines.. apart from Duncan.

Kevin "The Cockerel" Pietersen" His laughable antics pre ashes, including a Nude photo shoot, well fairplay though, if you've got it flaunt it I guess, WG Grace would probably have been pissed off not on any moral basis, but out of jealousy (he made the Michelin man look slim) but he would never have made the clanger Pietersson made on the final day of the 2nd Test

Freddie "Flintstone" Flintoff- Now England know the value of Michael Vaughan, whose tactical thinking and quiet strategising is greviously missing in this series. The enduring image shall be Freddie walking unto the pitch in shorts and vest covered in tattoos (The contrast being Cricket's Formal White starched Shirt convention), after being well beaten in the 1st Test, never before seen at this level. Come on, don't be so serious it was a laugh chaps, lighten up.

The best is yet to come, I don't see how England can come back from this and the ridiculous post match Interviews don't make things better with all the false optimism.

Anyway rant over, lets have a laugh at least.