Stop Press! England win a Cricket Match!!!!!

Young Boniface, from across the office broke the news and I assumed he was suffering from the effects of his binge-drinking bout in Brighton. A subsequent check showed this to be frighteningly true. Wait for it.....England beat Australia by 92 runs in Oz.

I think it appropriate that the nation shows it support for the lads by doing the following:

a. Sending out the Nations best shrinks, we must protect our lads from the imminent effect of post-traumatic stress disorder. Do not underestimate the enormity of the trauma these brave young men shall face as a consequence of err..actually winning a Cricket match and horror of horrors against - Australia!!!

b. A whip-round the nation to re-imburse the barmy army for the copious amounts of alcohol they've consumed out there in Oz. This was a call to duty and they stood up to be counted, drinking their way to glory. I'm close to tears writing this, what with the selfless gesture of these young men and women (and a couple of geriatrics to boot), sacrificing their livers for their country. We salute you (at least I do). I would also recommend that whilst the Shrinks are out there, they have a quick word with the barmy army, since I can foresee the looming trauma they shall face on emerging from their boozy stupor to actually confront the stark and frightening reality of an England victory, combine that with the effects of a hang-over and the prognosis is too frightening to be imagined. Also I hear transplants are cheaper up in Oz, though the quality is compromised by the fact that Aussie livers have little by way of mileage left in them (It ia however the thought that counts).

c. A national monument to the real hero of this victory, no no no! Not Ed Joyce... actually Freddie Flintoff's beard. Yes you heard right, his fierce, gibberish diatribe before the match was only surpassed in its ferocity by the sight of his flaming ginger face-furniture. What a sight, a mad mullah from Lancashire or indeed a crazed Russian Army General from 19th century Preston-ia, threatening fire and brimstone against his weak-kneed, hesitant zealots. The poor bastards were scared shitless and had to win or face the wrath of Freddie Bin-Laden or Marshall Flintovski. Remember the mantra of Russian soldiers during the siege of Stalingrad (there is no land behind the Volga). I propose a monument to Freddies beard on the 4th plinth at Trafalgar Square. C'mon we could do worse and always have. This was a victory on a par with Trafalgar anyway so its absolutely apt.

All said it was a great victory,which was matched by the return of Jonny Wilkinson and the first victory by England in 9 Internationals, err...against Scotland, but don't laugh, they spanked us last year. Are we back to winning ways? Shhhh!!!!!!! The boys might hear you dammit!